Thursday, December 29, 2011


Hello there Divas,

My blog title describes just how I feel today.  I am a FAILURE!!!!!!
No really I am. Per my last post, today was supposed to be the day that I hit my 100lbs lost goal.  I really wanted to say that I lost that massive amount of weight in just one year.  But alas when I weighed in today I was up 4 f*#$ing pounds.  I couldn't believe it.  I mean I could but really? Up 4 lbs.  I was pissed at first and then the depression hit. I am super hard on my self when it comes to my weight loss efforts and this just caused a downward spiral.

Of course everyone was trying to tell me that it was ok and that it happens but I wasn't trying to hear that.  I wanted to cry, and I did.  I wanted to scream and yell and throw things ( didn't get to do this).  But like always my hubby was there to comfort me and tell me everything would be ok.  I'm still working on believing this bullshit  statement.

This morning (well yesterday morning by the time this is posted) I was wallowing in a big vat of self loathing, self pity.  But I had to admit that I did this to my self.  I am well aware of the things that I was eating these last couple of weeks. But I just hoped by some miracle that it wouldn't show on the scale but it did.  Today I allowed the scale to steal my joy and drive.  Something I promised myself I would never do. 

I think the main reason I was so upset was because this was a major goal that I wanted to accomplish by the end of this year and it just didn't happen.  I had built up so much hope and anticipation for it to happen. So when it didn't my whole world came crashing down around me.  I really really really with cherries and whipped cream on top wanted to meet this goal but........... such is life.

I do believe that I learned a valuable lesson today.  I have learned that what you put in is what you will get out of any situation, especially this weight loss thing.  I have also come to the conclusion that I am super proud of what I have accomplished this far in my journey. 

This time last year I weighed close to 400 pounds and now I am 96 pounds lighter.  THAT is something to be proud of.  I have never lost that amount of weight and kept it off.  This year has been amazing.  I discovered that I am capable of accomplishing anything I put my mind to if I just do it.  And even though i didn't reach my ultimate goal for the end of the year I am a hell of alot closer than i was this time last year. And for that I am grateful and proud. 

So divas, I hope you all have reached your goals for this year. But if you haven't then that's ok too.  Don't be afraid to celebrate what you have accomplished so far.  You are not where you were yesterday or last year and you can and will continue to make changes that will last you a lifetime. 

Celebrate even the little losses. LOL

Here's a glance at a few upcoming post:
  • My Word for 2012
  • A Year of Face Photos
  • Happy New Year and Goals
Peace and Blessings
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